Outlaw Art
by Sledgehammer
Summary: This story owes its existence to a guy who ticked me off. Here's mud in yer eye!


Outlaw Art

Part 1

Gharick's Pass was a sleepy little town on the shores of the Great Crater Sea in the heart of Africa. Nestled inside a narrow river canyon, the town proper was an eccentric, yet charming collective of cliff-side architecture. The locals would often brag, to any passers-by that would occasionally come through, that their town boasted the lowest insomnia rate in the world. This, they claimed, was the result of the open-air acoustics which made the most of the white noise produced by the rushing waters.

Haruka Ten'ou could attest to this. She had only spent one night in one of the town's only two hotels. Loathe as she was to admit it, she was the type that usually tossed and turned until she conked out in an awkward position. Last night, though, she had drifted off on a cloud, and slept like a baby. Only now was she waking up.

She slipped into something casual and unassuming. On the way out, she passed the reception, completely ignoring the sign advertising the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet, and headed straight for the nearest pub.

Gharick's Pass was an Irish settler's town, so there were plenty of places to wet the old whistle, and every one of them had a fiddler. Haruka appreciated the sound of a good violin. It kept her mind on those green waves of hair waiting for her back in Crystal Tokyo, which in turn reminded her that she wasn't going to be getting any until she finished her mission. The best way to do that was to get information. The best way to get that info was to hang around where lips were loosest, and wait for what she needed to grind through the rumor mill.

"...Hey, Mick. I hear the queen's goin' t'be vacationin' on Mars this year," Haruka overheard as she entered one of the shadier-looking dives. Feh, idle gossip. Besides, Haruka knew for a fact that Usagi would be swamped with work for the next five years. Ignoring Mick's inebriated and misinformed friend, Haruka bellied up to the bar and ordered a double scotch, neat. A few of the patrons shot her dirty looks, but the bartender wasn't prejudiced against her money.

"Folks around here don't take too kindly to the s-word." a gravelly-smooth voice intruded, "They have this yearly event around here where they execute a set of bagpipes. I hear they're going with a firing squad this year." Haruka thought about ignoring him, whoever he was. She didn't need the distraction, that was for sure. One glance at him, though, and she had him tagged as a bounty hunter. He was on the wrong side of middle-aged, some scars here and there, and a prosthetic arm. Looked to be 22nd century or so, but well-maintained. He had a well-concealed air of caginess about him.

What tipped her off, though, was the fact that he and his crew had made system-wide news with several high-profile busts.

"I can't say as I blame them." Haruka replied with a grin. She didn't have anything against the Scottish, but bagpipes...

"I understand you're looking for Vash the Stampede."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to. I heard through the grapevine that Her Majesty was looking to score some diplomatic points with certain 'Powers That Be', which would explain why a certain 'Royal Enforcer' is holed up in a backwater town where a certain renegade is said to be hiding."

"What I don't get is why a well-known bounty hunter like Jet Black is going after such a low-paying mark." Haruka retorted.

"Heh. You got me there. This bounty is privately commissioned. Five bil that only me and my crew can cash in on. Not that we aren't going to try for the ten thou from the general bounty, of course."

"I gotcha," She replied before downing her drink in one gulp. "I wonder who could possibly be that interested in seeing Vash the Stampede arrested?"

"Well I'd tell you, but my client wishes to remain anonymous." Jet took a gulp from his pint glass, and wiped his face clean with a swipe of his metallic arm. "But I wouldn't mind a little compromise. I think we'd make a mutually beneficial team, you and I."

"You just used the terms 'bil' and 'thou.' Do you know how much confidence that inspires in me?"

"Eh-heh. You got me there..." He repeated.

"All right, I gave it a second thought. You're on, cowboy." Haruka said with a vicious grin.

VVVVV

"For Pete Townsend's sake, I have no idea why I let you talk me into this, Ryu!"

Ryu, wandering martial artist extraordinaire, sighed for the umpteenth time that day. A thousand years of peace under the rule of Neo-Queen Serenity may not have made him any softer, but he would have thought a millennia would have been enough time to make his old sparring partner's skull a little less dense.

"First of all, Ken, you asked me to come along. Secondly, you're the one who wants to collect that bounty. Third, I am not the one who got us lost." Ryu calmly replied as he slashed through the jungle foliage with the hard edge of his hand. He let out another sigh when he realized Ken wasn't even listening to him. He had his nose buried in a map, which was thankfully right-side up for a change.

"Hey Ryu, watch your step around here! I think we're near a cliff, so be careful. Ryu? Hm... He must've wandered off."

Meanwhile, three-hundred feet below, Ken's missing partner was hanging onto a convenient tree branch, cursing his bad judgment in agreeing to team up with Ken again. He nearly lost his grip when a red and blonde blur fell past him, and he felt something grab his ankle.

"Uh... Hey Ryu! I was wondering where you'd gotten off to!"

"Ken, either you let go of my leg and fall to your death, or you grab onto the branch yourself. Either way, I'm not dying today."

"Cool. That rhymed. Well, have it your way, old buddy. I'll see you at the bottom." Ryu felt the grip on his ankle slip, and fearing the worst, looked down to see... Ken, staring back up at him, his feet planted firmly on Terra Firma. It was only fifteen feet to the bottom.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, before I do it for you."

"Aw, don't get all grouchy like that, ol' buddy! I'm just happy 'cuz I found the place!" Ken exclaimed, pointing a thumb at the cliff-side dwellings that made up Gharick's Pass.

VVVVV

Haruka and Jet walked down the street, clothed in festive sombreros and ponchos. It wasn't part of some brilliant plan. They had just found out the hard way how pushy some street vendors could be around there.

"So," Haruka began, "Do we have any leads on this guy?"

"Tall, blonde hair slightly darker at the roots, wears red. That's what I've been told, leastways. I also hear he's a bit of a tomcat. Likes a cute girl in one hand and a frosty mug in the other. Kind of like that guy over there..." Jet concluded with an edge in his voice.

VVVVV

"So, me and my partner are looking for this guy. He's got tall hair, and wears a red coat with yellow tinted sunglasses. You seen a guy like him around, cutie?" It was bad manners, Ken knew, not to flirt with a chick this cute. He was not in any way, shape, or form being unfaithful to his wife, and anyone who said different would get a Shoryuken where the Sun don't shine.

As soon as they had set foot in town, Ryu had made a beeline for the nearest John, which happened to be in the back of an open-air pub. Ken had lingered out front, ordering a brewsky, and pumping the barmaid for info, as he didn't believe as emphatically as Ryu did that a well-hydrated body is a happy body.

"Vash the Stampede?" Ken heard someone call. He did an eager about-face, thinking someone had overheard him and was willing to share some info. He was not quite prepared to be confronted by the Dos Gringos Mariachi Band.

"Yes? Do you know-"

"You got a pretty steep bounty on your head, Mister Vash. I think it might be a good idea to quietly come with us." Jet growled.

"But I'm not-"

"Or we can make you come with us loudly." Jet's assertion was punctuated by Spike dropping his ship out of the clouds, performing a perfect 600-to-0 drop and hover maneuver that left his vessel pointing its gats directly at Ken.

VVVVV

Ryu wanted to weep openly. The moment he had began performing No.1, a blazing fight had erupted out front. Normally he would have zipped himself back up and joined the fight, but he had drained his canteen back in the jungle, and his bladder was too bloody full. The problem remained that he was too tense at the prospect of battle to finish the job.

His only hope at that moment, he knew, was in meditation. He had never gotten the hang of doing that standing up, though. Ryu leaned back to check the next stall where the toilet was situated, and concluded it had been the casualty of someone with poor aim. The only other fixtures were a sink and a wastebasket.

The floor was out of the question. The urinal was set against the wall instead of being flush with the floor. In fact, it seemed to be fixed a little higher than he considered to be necessary.

Ryu noticed, though, that the stall he was situated in wasn't terribly wide. Not even enough elbow room, in fact. So, gripping the edges of the panels to keep himself aloft, he assumed a cross-legged position, and was satisfied that his powerful legs would keep him off the ground by pressing his knees against the walls. He closed his eyes, locked his hands together in the sign of the horse and began his mantra, "Waterfall... Waaaterfaaall..."

Five second later, a hail of hot lead removed most of the walls from existence just before Ken rushed in, shouting, "Put yer pud back in yer pants, partner! We got trou... ble..." Words failed him from that moment on.

"Are you ready to give up," Jet sounded out as he and Haruka rushed in after Ken, "Or do we haaav-hoo the heck is that guy and what the Hell is he doing?"

"The answer to both questions is: I have no idea."

"He's dressed in much the same way you are, and you claim you don't know him?" Haruka asked.

"Err... Freak occurrence."

"I'll say!"

Ryu's eyebrow began to twitch.

Just then, Spike chose his moment to jump though the bathroom doors with his own piece in his hands, yelling, "Awright, freeze!" He lost all interest in the suspect when he saw what was happening in urinal stall. He whipped out his own equipment, namely a transmitter, and spoke into it, "Faye, grab Edward and get planetside ASAP! You have got to see this!"

VVVVV

Vash let out a sigh of contentment as he left the Hotel Brannaugh, with its five-star restaurant, bottomless buffet, and those adorably cute maids they had on staff. Truly, his life had taken a turn for the better! Everything just seemed to be going his way!

The folks around town were friendly too. In fact, half of everybody looked to be gathered on the other side of town, whooping and hollering and generally carrying on about some local entertainment.

And Vash would have liked to have joined them, he really would have, but he needed to be on the other side of the sea by sundown. So, he hiked up his pack, and began the long walk down the road to where a boat was waiting to ferry him across the water.

"Vash the Stampede, I'm here to challenge you!"

And he was so close, too!

TBC

AN: It's been too long since I've had anything ready to post. As usual, my motivation comes from bitterness and disgust over the poor quality of other peoples' works.

A good portion of this prologue was lost to a system fault, and I had to rebuild it from memory. That sucked. The first half is pretty old, and the second half is brand-spanking new. One thing I realized about my earlier writing style is that I tended to be too coy, trying too hard to tease the audience. I'd be reading my own works and saying to myself 'Yeah? Get to the point already!'

Kudos to anyone who can figure out what ticked me off to make me write this story.


End file.
